Whether your divorce is amicable or acrimonious, it’s far too easy to do things to shift the balance of power or get yourself in trouble during the divorce proceedings. Avoid giving your spouse the upper hand; refrain from doing any of these big no-no’s during your divorce.

1. Don’t involve the kids. At all.

Divorce is always difficult, but it’s infinitely more difficult when kids are involved. The most important thing parents can do for their kids is to protect them during a divorce. Don’t involve your kids in any aspect of the unpleasantness of a divorce. Don’t confide in them. Don’t try to convince them that you’re the ‘good’ guy and your spouse is the ‘bad’ guy. Don’t take them out of state, or refuse to let your spouse see them unless you’re absolutely concerned about their safety. Kids should never be a bargaining chip in a divorce, and they should never be used to manipulate your spouse.

2. Don’t make unreasonable demands.

If you’re unhappy about a divorce, it’s tempting to demand everything your spouse has just to get even. Or if you feel your relationship hasn’t been equal, you may feel entitled to more during a divorce. Regardless of your logic, don’t make unreasonable demands during a divorce. You probably should run any demands by an impartial third party; not a friend or family member who is looking out solely for your welfare.

By making unreasonable demands, you set yourself up for retaliation from your spouse, and you make your case weaker in front of a judge. Listen to your lawyer and iron out a settlement that works for both you and your spouse; don’t make it about a contest to see who ‘wins.’ Nobody ever wins in divorce.

3. Don’t correspond with your spouse about important disputes.

In an acrimonious divorce, it’s best to have as little contact with your spouse as possible. Even in an amicable divorce, it’s a good idea not to correspond with your spouse about any important disputes. Let correspondence come from your attorney. Anything you put in writing can be used against you in a divorce case, so don’t take the risk; just don’t correspond with your spouse about important disputes.

4. Don’t leave important documents lying around.

The second you or your spouse files for divorce, you must consider yourselves separate entities. Whether you’re still friends or your spouse is spoiling for a fight, you need to protect your own interests by hanging onto important documentation.

Make sure you have copies of all important documents stored in a location your spouse can’t access. The reasoning behind this isn’t to hide things from your spouse; it’s to protect your interests by preventing your spouse from losing or destroying important documents. Even a friendly divorce can turn sour if the wrong words are spoken, and it’s far too easy for a spouse to sabotage you if the only copies of important financial documents are lying around for anyone to manipulate.

5. Don’t spend more money.

Many people deal with unhappiness by shopping. While acquiring material possessions may help to temporarily quiet the inner voice of unhappiness, it doesn’t help your financial situation. When most people get a divorce, their financial situation changes, sometimes drastically. Save money for establishing your new household.

If you fear your spouse is going to try to get hands on your cash in a divorce, avoid the temptation to spend it in order to prevent your spouse from getting it. Consult your attorney about the best way to handle assets and avoid getting yourself into trouble in court during the divorce.

A divorce is not an easy thing to go through. Even if it’s a joint decision, you’re still dealing with a lot of painful emotions around the end of a relationship, and potentially a long-term partnership. If it’s not a joint decision, you may be feeling even worse. Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to let your feelings overwhelm all areas of your life, but it’s absolutely vital to avoid doing that.

Don’t let your divorce affect your job.

If you’re getting a divorce, you’ll need your job more than ever. Financial stability can help you plan for your future, and compensate for the loss of your spouse’s income. Losing your job creates a vacuum that can suck everything else into it, but hanging onto your job is helpful for more than just financial support.

Your job gets you out of the house every day. Your job forces you to get out of your own head and concentrate on something else for eight hours a day. For most people going through a divorce, this is a blessing. You might feel distracted, but try to concentrate on your work and leave your divorce at the door when you come in. You’ll find it’s a relief to escape the overwhelming feelings for a while, and taking care of your job is a good way to take care of yourself.

Take care of your personal life when you’re getting a divorce.

People deal with negative emotions in a variety of ways. Some people withdraw from all social activity and seclude themselves to be alone with their thoughts. Other people seek out their friends for comfort, and talk things through until they’re feeling better. Try to strike a happy medium with your social life throughout your divorce.

Your friends will be pretty understanding when you’re going through a divorce. They’ll listen with patience as you talk about things, but try not to overstep the bounds of their patience. Let them talk to you about things going on in their lives, too, and you might find that you enjoy the break from your troubles. Go out and do things with your friends, even if you only feel like sitting around at home alone. You’ll want those friends when the divorce is all done, so don’t neglect or abuse them while it’s happening.

Remember that your kids need stability.

You might be feeling extremely vulnerable and unhappy because of your divorce. You might want to talk to someone, and have a captive audience in your kids. Or you might be seeking to recapture something for yourself in a world that has been about your spouse and your family for years. As you go through your divorce, keep in mind that your kids need stability, and they need you to keep your emotions under control.

Try not to break down in front of your kids, or abuse your spouse to your kids. Don’t leave your kids alone while you go out with friends and party in an attempt to forget your troubles. Your kids need stability more than ever during a divorce, and it’s your job as a parent to provide it. Enlist the aid of friends and family if you need to, but make sure your kids know first and foremost that you love them, and that you’ll do what you need to in order to ensure their lifestyle is safe and protected.

Imagine this: you’re married for 18 years. You’ve got three beautiful children together. You’re committed to your relationship and your life; so committed that when one of you needs a kidney transplant, the other steps up and provides the kidney.

What happens when all that comes crashing down, and one of you asks for a divorce?

This happened to a doctor from New York and his wife. She needed a kidney transplant in 2001, and he gave her his kidney and saved her life.

When she filed for divorce in 2005, he asked for the kidney back, or its value, in the settlement – a value he estimates at $1.5 million.

Where to start with what is wrong with this?

Does this doctor really think he can gain anything by asking the Court to give him his kidney back?  Or maybe he thought such an outrageous offer would make the $1.5 million “alternative” seem reasonable?

Either way, this was a stupid argument (my three kids think stupid is a curse word, but no other word conveys exactly how I feel about this argument).  A gift is a gift, especially if it is permanently attached to your wife’s body!

So who is to blame for this?  I really don’t put much blame on the doctor.  Nothing in life can make you act like a fool more than affairs of the heart. The pain of lost love or betrayal makes normally smart people act like fools.

That’s exactly why you hire a lawyer! The lawyer is supposed to be an objective advocate.  A lawyer is supposed to stop you for doing stupid things like telling a judge (and the whole world) you want your wife’s kidney back.  So who do I blame?

I blame the lawyer.

If this Does Not Inspire You, Nothing Will. I am not overly sentimental. I like to think of myself as a serious businessman. But you have to see this video. I am a lawyer, as you know, and I think I am pretty jaded. But I see Nick and I am ashamed that I ever felt sorry for myself.

Do yourself a favor and watch the video of Nick – you will be glad you did.

Ricky Gallagher

Ok, I admit it. I’m a political junkie! I probably inherited it from my “Paw Paw,” Bill Rose, my mother’s father. Paw Paw never graduated from High School, but he was involved in politics his whole life. He never ran for office, but he was always involved in organizing his neighborhood.

So what did I learn from this election? I’ll leave the political lessons to those smarter than me. What I did learn, and what I hope my kids learn is “Set your goals high” and “Never Quit.”

Look at the two candidates, one of whom will be the most powerful man in the world in a few months.

One spent many long years in his youth as a prisoner of war. He was tortured both mentally and physically. I am sure there were hundreds if not thousands of times he thought “This is it. They are going to kill me.”

The other was an African American growing up essentially fatherless in a white world. Do you think anyone ever told him “Barak, if you work really hard, one day you can be President of the United States of America!” I doubt it. But here he is anyway.

I hope and pray that my children never, ever go though even one tenth of the adversity these men faced. But when they do face adversity, I hope they face it in the same way as these two men did.

God Bless.

I just came across this surprising article about actor Bill Murray . I will always remember Bill Murray as the bumbling, hapless groundskeeper in Caddy Shack. Mr. Murray, however, has come a long way. Bill Murray received critical acclaim for his acting skills in movies like “Lost in Translation,” “Broken Flowers,” and “Groundhog Day.” The financial success, of course, accompanied his rising star. Plus, he was married to a wife he loved for 11 years, quite an accomplishment in Hollywood.

Then, the bottom fell out of his life. His wife, Jennifer, unexpectedly filed for divorce in May. She accused him of abuse and addiction. You would think that someone who had so much going for him could handle a divorce.

Not so.

Mr. Murray said “I was dead. Broken.”

“It’s like your faith in people is destroyed because the person you trusted the most you can no longer trust at all.”

No one, and I mean no one who is human, has an easy time going through a divorce. It will hurt. You will lose sleep. You may feel “dead, broken.”

To help lessen the pain, you must first admit that it’s there. Don’t run from the pain – admit it’s there and accept that it will be there for a while. Then, find others who are also hurting like you are and talk to them. And remember, as the Bible says, “This too shall pass.”

It’s a fact: deciding to divorce is an emotional process. While you can’t help the way you feel, you can control the way you act. So when considering a divorce, use proper financial planning to help ease the pain.

A recent MSN article discussed proper financial planning for a divorce. The article quoted a statistic that I found scary – most women will see their standard of living drop by 27% after a divorce. That’s a really big adjustment, and I have seen this in my practice as well.

The best way to counter this drop is to plan for the divorce before you file. You may not want to. Maybe you found the scumbag cheating and you just want out. Well, I don’t blame you, but objectively speaking, you need to go slowly and plan your exit.

The advice may seem obvious after the fact, but it’s sometimes hard to think straight with all the conflicting emotions rolling around in you.

1. Don’t Blab – especially if you are a non-working spouse. The fact that you don’t work will give your spouse leverage over you in a divorce. Your planning is not to hurt your spouse, it’s to even the playing field. If you blab about seeing an attorney or filing for divorce, your spouse may take action to keep that leverage over you.
2. Get a lawyer – it is truly almost impossible to do a divorce on your own. You will need help. Legal Aid may help with some issues, but they won’t do everything. I have seen people come in who paid $100 for an online Divorce Kit only to learn that it didn’t work. For just a little more, the client could have receive advice from a person, not a website.
3. Consider a Separate Account – I almost hate to say this one, but I have to. It sounds slimy. The thing to understand is that you are not “stealing” from your spouse (assuming you have community property). You are going to tell your spouse about this during the divorce and this money will be considered when the property is settled. But you need to make sure you have control of enough cash to make it if your spouse refuses to help pay the bills.
4. Copy Documents – copy everything that describes what you own: bank statements, car notes, property descriptions, everything. This will save you time and money when you do file for divorce.
5. Get Ready to Work – if you haven’t been working, you should prepare to reenter the workforce unless you have very young children.

As always, different states have different laws, so hire an attorney before you start moving money around to be sure you can do so.

There is a right way and a wrong way to go through a divorce. I prefer the “Divorce Done Right” way. That’s what we practice here at the Gallagher Law Firm. But some people just don’t get it. The following is an article I recently sent to my email list. It’s a good example of what NOT to do in your divorce.

It seems a Broadway mogul and his wife were going through a bitter divorce. Then his wife decided to go on YouTube and post a video where she reveals intimate details about their personal life. These details, of course, were not flattering to the mogul or his family.

The problem is the wife was trying to get a Judge to throw out a prenup agreement she had signed. And, of course, the mogul found out about the YouTube video. When the Judge learned about the video, he honored the prenup and the wife received a pittance.

There are two lessons here. The basic lesson is the same thing we teach our kids: if you post something online, it will become public. There is NO ANNONIMITY, so watch what you do online.

The deeper lesson is one I hope I teach my clients: being nastyrarely gets you what you want. Divorce is a painful, expensive process to get through as quickly and cheaply as possible. Divorce is not a weapon to use to hurt someone you hate.

I am sure the wife felt a sense of revenge when she made and posted the video. Now she has been publicly embarrassed on CNN and lostmillions of dollars on top of that. Not a good trade if you ask me.

I hope this email helps you with your divorce, and helps you do it The Right Way.

Ricky Gallagher

http://www.gallagherlawfirm.com/Divorce_and_Custody.htm

P.S. If you want to read the whole article, go to

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/22/youtube.divorce.ap/index.html?iref